Waterworld
by Woodface
Summary: Yet another pants play I wrote. Hard to explain what it's about. My friends liked it at the time. Not funny. r/r please


Woah.. two 'fics' in one day... strange. Neway this is a play I wrote when I was about 11. It's just as bad as 'Rapunzel' (see the other one I've posted) but it's still just as bad, which is probably a good thing. On with the show!

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**Water World.**

Characters:  
Captain Hook: A psychotic ships captain who's hand was apparantly bitten off by a crocodile. He needs help.  
Mary: A girl who believes she has psychic powers.  
Natalie: Mary's sarcastic twin. Argumentative.  
Fish: A fish. with braces. (a/n: I had braces when this was performed.)  
Split & Splat: Two aliens that live underwater.  
Prodigy1 & 2: Memebers of the group The Prodigy (remember them?)  
SD: stage directions

Scene 1: On the ship.

Captain Hook V.O, with SFX doing a shhhhhh crackling up sound: Fair Maidens and fellow pirates, welcome to the ship. I am the most highly respected and very well know Captain Hook, who will be taking you on this trip to France... (keeps blabbering on gibberish in background.)

Mary: Who the heck is he?

Natalie: I dunno. Maybe we should just get settled in on the ferry.

Mary: Good idea. Now where's mum?

C. Hook V.O with SFX as before: Well, I hope you have a nice trip people-wait a minute-no I don't!!! Har, har, har! If anyone wants to complain about anything, they can jolly well go walk the plank! Oh dear, I am going mad again. It's been happening all the time since that blasted crocodile bit my hand off... (He keeps on talking gibberish in background.)

Mary: God, this is going to be such a rubbish trip!

Natalie: Yeah, Trust mum to book a rubbish trip! I never wanted to come in the first place!

Mary: Well, I guess at least mum's not here! We can have some fun!

Natalie: Yeah, whatever.

Mary: Nats, I'm starting to have one of my premonitions…

Natalie: What?!?!

Mary: You know, a premonition! Where I can predict the future! Duh!

Natalie: Mmm. Really. It's just a coincidence that they come true! They're not real at all! Yeah, like you can predict the future! I soooooooo believe it!

Mary: Shut up Nats! You're disturbing the flow! Yes, I can feel it coming… (Mary suddenly has low and growly voice) On the 14th July two girls will be on a ship to France and the two strange people with awful fashion sense will come on the trip and start a fire. Then ship will sink along with all the passengers, but not the two girls in question They will go on an underwater adventure, and on to a game show with………SPLIT AND SPLAT?!?!?! WHO ARE THEY?!?!……

Natalie: Oh how fun.

Mary: Nats! We're gonna die!!!!

Natalie: Well, if it's any consolation, you said we would survive. It's just everyone else.

S.D. Mary looks better, and then starts to wail and carry on like a baby.

Natalie: Mary! What is wrong with you?!? SHUT UP!!! 

Mary: But what about all the other people?!?!?

Natalie: Yep, sure, they're gonna die, but well, it happens to all of us at one time or another. For them, just sooner than normal. Think of it this way: we'll be OK, and they're gonna die with all the others, so they're not on they're own, are they? 

Mary: That's OK then.

C. Hook V.O with SFX as before: Well, maidens and pirates, I've just had news that we're all going to die! Har har har! I don't know how but hey! Har har har!

Prodigy1: We're the fire starters! The twisted fire starters!

Mary: That's true, they'll start a fire!

Everyone else: WHAT?!?!?!

Prodigy2: Like we said, we're the fire starters! Twisted fire starters!

Mary: Like I said, they'll start a fire!

Everyone: But there isn't a fire!!!

Mary: Oh.

Prodigy1: But that's why we're here! To start one!

Mary: Fine.

Prodigy2: We're the fire starters! The twisted fire starters!

N & M: I guess we don't doubt it then.

S.D. Prodigy jump over board after starting the fire!

C. Hook V.O. with SFX: Well, yes, we are going to die! I hope you enjoyed you're trip with Idiot Ferries! NO I DON'T!!! Har har har!!! 

SFX: blub blub blub, splashing of water, screams, etc.

N & M: How are we gonna live? I guess we could jump over! (jump over board)

SFX: Splash, screams, etc.

Scene 2: Under Water

Mary: Nats! Where are we…?

Natalie: I don't know……… I think we're underwater!

Mary: But we can't be! We can breathe and talk!

Fish: You can breathe cos you're in the town, you idiots!

Mary: Wha?

Fish: This is an underwater town called, well, uh there isn't actually a name, but we just call it…… well, whatever we like. So just call it water?

Natalie: Water? What a rubbish name!

Mary: I guess it's true though.

Fish: Well, at least someone agrees with me. 

Natalie: Well, sooooooooory!

Mary: Take no notice of her Fish, she's just a person who's very sceptical.

Fish: Don't worry, I won't.

Natalie: Suits me just fine. 

SD: Natalie sticks tongue out at Fish and Fish sticks tongue out at her) 

Mary: Hey! Woah! Stop there!

Fish: Well, how did you get down here?

Natalie: We got a wish granted by fairies and they sprinkled magic powder on us and then we were suddenly here!

Fish: Oh, very funny, I am just dying with laughter here. No, really!

Mary: Well, these blokes with dodgey hairstyles came on and started a fire and so we jumped overboard and her we are. I wanna go home!!!

Fish: If you really want to go home then go on the show!

Mary: What????

Fish: The show! The 'WHATEVER YOU WANT' show. You answer questions and you get whatever you want.

Natalie: This is one time I'm listening to you!

Fish: Just go down there, and into the studio. You'll find the wacky presenters in there! If you're wondering, they're called Split and Splat!

Natalie: Weird names…

Fish: They're twin aliens! DUH! 

Mary: There's only one thing I have to say.

Fish: What?

Mary: I never knew fish had braces!

Scene 3: in the studio!

Split: Hello and welcome to WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!

Splat: Well, I'd like it to be… National all you can eat chocolate day!!!

Split: No, that's the name of the show, dimbo!!! You can be soooooo stupid sometimes!!!!! This title means if you win the show you get whatever you want!!!!

Splat: Fine. I'll just introduce the show! I'm Split, and he's Splat! No……… not quite. Let's try it again. I'm Splat and he's Split!!!

Split: Well done! So, who's on today's show??

Splat: Well, today we have creatures from above the water! It's Natalie and Mary!!!

SFX: claps, cheers, some boo's, etc.

Split: Shut up!! They're new and have never been on fish TV before. Be gentle with them.

Splat: Too right! And, well, our other contestant was last seen jumping off the train bridge into the train and chasing some bandit across the country. I feel quite sorry for him, really. Sad, strange little croc………

Mary: OK, they're kind of scary………

Natalie: I know.

Mary: Cool! No, I mean not cool…

Split: So, the girls only have to do a short quiz and they will win.

Mary: Cool! We're on fishy TV!

Splat: And, so fellow idiots, here are your questions:

SFX: the music like on 'Who want's to be a millionaire?'

Splat: Who was the first fish to conquer the land of Atlantis?

Natalie: CAPTAIN BIRD'S EYE!!!!

Splat: Sorry, that's incorrect, but you do get this lovely watch, and this years supply of Turtle Wax! Next! 

Split: Who currently presents the show you're on now?

Mary: You! DUH!

Splat: No, it's the seaweed! It's looking very pretty today!!!

Split: Shut up! Course it's us!

SD: C. Hook comes on covered with a cloth, with face showing to look like alien.

The thing: I'm afraid that's not true anymore! We are taking over this town! So get out!

Splat: What?

The thing: We have taken over!

Split: Oh, that's just great!

Mary: We're gonna die!!!

Splat: No, they're just taking over! That's nothing bad.

Split: DUH! Course it is!!!!!

The Thing: Yes, that's right! 'Tis a terrible thing!

Natalie: I think not! According to the plans that were on the ship, you, Captain Hook, are only trying to get us out so you can win the prize!!

SD: C. Hook takes off sheet.

C. Hook: How d'ya know it was me?

Natalie: I just know!

C. Hook: I hate you!

Natalie: Same here.

Splat: Right! Look, Hook, get out!!!! This is our show! And, you, Natalie, for saving the show, get to go home!

Mary: What about me?

Splat: You too!

Split: That's the first good thing you've said today!

Splat: I know. Gosh, don't you think the sun looks so pretty today?

Split: OK, that wasn't so sensible. We can't even see the sun! This is electric lighting!

Splat: Oh.

M & N: YAY!!! WE'RE GOING HOME!!!!!

Split: So you are. 

Splat: BYE!!! Come visit us some time!!!!!!

Splat: SPLIT!!!!! Like they CAN!!!

Mary: Hey, we're home!

Natalie: Cool! 

SFX: voice of stage says: 'Girls! I'm taking you to the ship now! The captain's name is……………a certain Captain Hook…………… Sounds quite familiar! 

Mary: We've gone back in time!!!!!

SFX: the X Files music!

Everyone: And we though Split and Splat were scary!!!!

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yes. It was pants. I know.


End file.
